Peace....for the moment
.............29 years old...a whole life in front of her...yet she is dead...working hard for the money...exchanging her life for the riches the world has to offer. Appreciated? Non....Cared for?...Nope....Valued?....Nien... "Its a business transaction. You give your life and in exchange they give you money...." For her, it literally came true.
Never. I will never exchange my life for something as insignificant as that. The material goods in life can never take the place of the experiences that life has to offer. Sadness...sadness that the country, in its drive to succeed, a money whore so to speak, survival of its people they say..HAS LOST ITS SOUL...
Let me out of this prison, a prison for the mind, the spirit, and a prison of life.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Conversations
Conversations
Its funny how conversations can skew to a certain direction and lead you to a conclusion which you never expect. People express their inner most feelings and thoughts through words and I guess the conversations are the result of it all. I had one such conversation yesterday. It started to be an appraisal of sorts about me.....it ended with me without a relationship with the person I love anymore. I guess its for the best.....deep in me I know its for the best.....I do feel sad, alone, but I can't say that I've never felt this way before even when I was in a relationship. I guess I'M DONE. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.....Throw me the bottle and the cigarettes coz I need to go through a path of self-destruction...DRINKS ON ME ANYONE....2007. Its gonna be a fucked up year.
Its funny how conversations can skew to a certain direction and lead you to a conclusion which you never expect. People express their inner most feelings and thoughts through words and I guess the conversations are the result of it all. I had one such conversation yesterday. It started to be an appraisal of sorts about me.....it ended with me without a relationship with the person I love anymore. I guess its for the best.....deep in me I know its for the best.....I do feel sad, alone, but I can't say that I've never felt this way before even when I was in a relationship. I guess I'M DONE. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.....Throw me the bottle and the cigarettes coz I need to go through a path of self-destruction...DRINKS ON ME ANYONE....2007. Its gonna be a fucked up year.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Underwhelmed?
This post had to be written. The voices in my head are becoming deafening. Love life, career, religion, family, finances, friends, foes, office politics, fake friends, wannabes, future, property, business, investments - my word, there are a lot topics floating around in my head. Love life-sucks as usual - unhappiness, bitterness, anger, oblivious, resignation. Why do two people who have no idea of what to do with a relationship stay together?....Bad idea? or Blind faith? Religion continues to be as mind boggling as ever. Do this, no don't do it...do that, no that's bad, that's good...Family-seems alright...Friends? Do I have any?Foes-I am indifferent to them, office politics-STUPID!Wannabes-shut your trap till you prove you have what it takes, Future?????property-none as yet, business-I'm brainstorming on a couple of ideas but none of the quick rich types, finances-very very low and investments-boy I hope they are making money, else I am just one of those suckers who think they can beat the poverty trap through sophisticated financial solutions. Who ever thought of calling them solutions anyways....Genius...coz he lied to so many but made them believe.Career.
I'm looking around for options. Besides the fact that everytime I step into the office I feel like killing myself and shouting at the gaffer for being an ignorant brat, I have come to face the fact that there is no way in hell or heaven, can I last a couple more months with someone who lacks humility, who potrays an image of self-righteousness, who is loud in an attention seeking sort of way and whose subordinates are beginning to see that he/she might not be all that. I think if that feeling is some clue of what I should be doing I bloody well should heed my own advice.
I'm looking around for options. Besides the fact that everytime I step into the office I feel like killing myself and shouting at the gaffer for being an ignorant brat, I have come to face the fact that there is no way in hell or heaven, can I last a couple more months with someone who lacks humility, who potrays an image of self-righteousness, who is loud in an attention seeking sort of way and whose subordinates are beginning to see that he/she might not be all that. I think if that feeling is some clue of what I should be doing I bloody well should heed my own advice.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Who the fuck cares
Its hard to put in words emotions that you feel at certain points in your life. You know its happening to you because you feel it. But you just can't describe it. This is not one of those times.I FEEL FUCKING DEAD. My entire consciousness and sub-consciousness feels dead. I think I'm overwhelmed by the thoughts in my head that just refuses to dissapear....Can it be that in a relationship one feels overwhelmed by the other? Well.. that question sums up my whole attitude of the woman in front of me. While she blabbers on about her life and its ongoings, the only thought that registers in my head is WHO THE FUCK CARES?...but at the same time I'm thinking, I shouldn't really care coz its not my life. So why is it that its important to me that she takes notice of my opinions?...I dismiss it..like I said before WHO THE FUCK CARES?Is it strange that you would like someone but at the same time feel as though you don't at certain points of your relationship?
Anyways, enough about relationships.On the topic of my career, I am SERIOUSLY GETTING FUCKING BORED. I gotta get out.. i gotta get out.. i gotta get out...i gotta get out. Everyday in the office doing the same ole data entry bullshit is sucking my life away. i gotta get out. I don't really care for much about trying to achieve efficiency, service-orientedness blah blah blah bullshit blah blah blah blah and blah....ok maybe I do. But the point is I AM FUCKING BORED. Come'on man, throw me a lifeline here. I need to do something more than just babysitting people. I mean, I ain't from the Babysitter club. I'm in this to learn more about the business. I AM FUCKING BORED coz while the boss goes galavanting doing this and doing that, I'm stuck at home babysitting. FUCK THAT. Man, if i didn't need the money badly, I would definitely quit by now. FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUCK life and its obligations. I hope i didn't miss the boat.
Ok dudes who are reading this (only one I can think of) if you know of any opportunities where I might be able to get out of this hell hole, give me a shout. I definitely do not want to be stuck in this twilight zone of a place. I missed the boat once....never again.
Anyways, enough about relationships.On the topic of my career, I am SERIOUSLY GETTING FUCKING BORED. I gotta get out.. i gotta get out.. i gotta get out...i gotta get out. Everyday in the office doing the same ole data entry bullshit is sucking my life away. i gotta get out. I don't really care for much about trying to achieve efficiency, service-orientedness blah blah blah bullshit blah blah blah blah and blah....ok maybe I do. But the point is I AM FUCKING BORED. Come'on man, throw me a lifeline here. I need to do something more than just babysitting people. I mean, I ain't from the Babysitter club. I'm in this to learn more about the business. I AM FUCKING BORED coz while the boss goes galavanting doing this and doing that, I'm stuck at home babysitting. FUCK THAT. Man, if i didn't need the money badly, I would definitely quit by now. FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUCK life and its obligations. I hope i didn't miss the boat.
Ok dudes who are reading this (only one I can think of) if you know of any opportunities where I might be able to get out of this hell hole, give me a shout. I definitely do not want to be stuck in this twilight zone of a place. I missed the boat once....never again.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Whirlwind
The happy ending that I wished for out of my whirlwind romance looks to be deteriorating fast. It was inevitable I guess. She had never totally commit to the idea of us thus any stumbling block in our path becomes a step too far to take in our relationship. The weird thing is, I'm ok with it. I think its time to stop playing games. I think I've given her all I've got - "Hello girl, this is me" - like me for who I am or don't even bother. I've gotten too old to change (plus the fact that I like what I've become). I'm sick and tired of explaining my actions while she sits high on a pedestal of management stature. Its amazing to see how some forget that they are humans who make mistakes as well. Look in the mirror I'd say. Sigh....Its a feeling of resignation, resignation to things that will become.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Lose Yourself
Lose Yourself
I have been in a thinking mode over the past couple of days (so what's new?). I realised some things about myself that I don't think I've ever internalized. These are a list of things I found out,
1. I like having conversations with strangers. I find it intriguing and it changes my perceptions and beliefs in a lot of issues.
2. I am currently at a point in my life where it is unstable, explosive, hardly calm and normal. That is the way I wanted it to be and I have achieved it. Maybe I'm a late bloomer. Where others have gone through this stage in their lives and are ready to move on, I've just started and I think I have the right to live it like this for a while. Hell, some others in other parts of the world are still living in choppy waters even at an older age.
3. I have issues. 3 persons in one weekend have told me that. Issue no. 1 My religion. Issue no. 2 My angsty outlook on life which I believe stems from the fact that I grew up in a disadvantaged background and I have succeded bringing myself from where I was from to where I am now (albeit with the help of others) through living the life that most others never lived. Issue no. 3 While I pine for a time where my life would be stable and easy, I would find it mundane. Living in turbulent conditions make you appreciate the finer points about people and about life.Issue no.4 I love with every bit of my soul and I expect the same in return. Issue no. 5 I date women who are tough as nails while I am the fool.
4. I am determined to succeed so movies about characters overcoming the obstacles they face in life interests me. But I am afraid that I have not shown enough guts to pursue my ambition. How far away from the line must a man travel in order to say that he has made the correct choices and mandatory sacrifices to achieve his goal.
5. I want to make travelling a part of my life. To garner experiences in other parts of the world is something I truly cherish. Knowing that you are not alone and is part of group of people known as humanity that goes through the same shit that you do makes you feel less hopeless about things.
6. I love PDA.
7. I hate mindless herds (i.e. dumb crowds)
8. I think too much.
I have been in a thinking mode over the past couple of days (so what's new?). I realised some things about myself that I don't think I've ever internalized. These are a list of things I found out,
1. I like having conversations with strangers. I find it intriguing and it changes my perceptions and beliefs in a lot of issues.
2. I am currently at a point in my life where it is unstable, explosive, hardly calm and normal. That is the way I wanted it to be and I have achieved it. Maybe I'm a late bloomer. Where others have gone through this stage in their lives and are ready to move on, I've just started and I think I have the right to live it like this for a while. Hell, some others in other parts of the world are still living in choppy waters even at an older age.
3. I have issues. 3 persons in one weekend have told me that. Issue no. 1 My religion. Issue no. 2 My angsty outlook on life which I believe stems from the fact that I grew up in a disadvantaged background and I have succeded bringing myself from where I was from to where I am now (albeit with the help of others) through living the life that most others never lived. Issue no. 3 While I pine for a time where my life would be stable and easy, I would find it mundane. Living in turbulent conditions make you appreciate the finer points about people and about life.Issue no.4 I love with every bit of my soul and I expect the same in return. Issue no. 5 I date women who are tough as nails while I am the fool.
4. I am determined to succeed so movies about characters overcoming the obstacles they face in life interests me. But I am afraid that I have not shown enough guts to pursue my ambition. How far away from the line must a man travel in order to say that he has made the correct choices and mandatory sacrifices to achieve his goal.
5. I want to make travelling a part of my life. To garner experiences in other parts of the world is something I truly cherish. Knowing that you are not alone and is part of group of people known as humanity that goes through the same shit that you do makes you feel less hopeless about things.
6. I love PDA.
7. I hate mindless herds (i.e. dumb crowds)
8. I think too much.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Sunny Side Up
Sunny Side Up
I'm back in Singapore. Passing through the gates of Changi Airport, I instantenously felt grieve. Back to reality, responsibilities and Asian societies' rules. Rules that are like invisible shackles to my very existence. It is strange that in a lot of ways, I felt most comfortable in a foreign land than I do in my own country. Is it wrong for me to feel this way I wonder?
I've been thinking about relationships a lot during my self-imposed exile. Are relationships suppose to be passing phases in a man's life and is marriage an accidental certainty when a man decides to settle down? Or is there such a thing as a marriage made with the conviction of love, love that includes sacrifices and life changing decisions? Can a man truly change partners without missing the person that he was with before? Will the euphoria of romance erase the memories of someone that he had loved before? I am afraid...what if you never get over the fact that you have met the one person you would want to spend your life with but couldn't, and all other relationships after that are just a waste of time? What if the relationship you have now is AS GOOD AS IT GETS? What if the memories of this relationship haunt you for the rest of your life? Is the inevitable a good enough reason to base your decision on?
On the flight home, I read "Veronika chooses to die". The premise of this fictionous book is that a young attractive woman, Veronika, decides to kill herself after envisioning the life that she was about to lead, the unescapable prison of the mundane and predictable. The BITTERNESS of life (I agree. Knowledge is a burden)However, she failed in her attempt but was told that she will inevitably die due to the complications caused by the pills she took to end her life. Knowing that, she decides to take risks that she'd never dared to take and opened herself to experiences she'd never imagined she would share with others. Alas, she discovered that she was not ready for Death's scythe. Unknown to her, the presiding doctor had lied to her. She was not going to die. But thinking that she was, made her appreciate everyday life a whole lot more as it should be. Life is a Miracle that should be craddled and its richness should be devoured at every moment.
Having read the book (it was a long flight), I agreed with it. No one should live their life in fear, frightened to take risks, to travel bumpy roads, to go for experiences. But still, when it comes to this relationship, I am afraid. Have I exposed myself too much? Have I become vulnerable to waves of emotions that might be more harmful than good? Thinking about my previous relationship, I realise that was how she felt. Maybe it is my retribution for the harm that I've caused another human being. I am so sorry. The guilt sometimes overcome me but I put it aside. What else can I do? Should I let droves and droves of guilt in me? Is that the right way to handle it? Sometimes I think of her and hope that she is well. Hope that she has found someone who will love her more than I ever did. I was the fool.
I learned something new about my religion on my travels. In other parts of the world, it is not a must for non-Muslim women to convert when marrying a Muslim man. A glimmer of hope but unfortunately in this part of the world, to even suggest a notion would cause chaos to the social-religious balance in my society. Normalcy or the balance is a social construct. It has been agreed upon by the majority that that is how things should be and anyone who thinks outside of the social construct is demonised. Skewed interpretation they say. But how can it be when an even larger majority believe in it? Does that mean that they are all wrong and only we are right? It almost seems illogical. Knowledge is a burden.
I'm back in Singapore. Passing through the gates of Changi Airport, I instantenously felt grieve. Back to reality, responsibilities and Asian societies' rules. Rules that are like invisible shackles to my very existence. It is strange that in a lot of ways, I felt most comfortable in a foreign land than I do in my own country. Is it wrong for me to feel this way I wonder?
I've been thinking about relationships a lot during my self-imposed exile. Are relationships suppose to be passing phases in a man's life and is marriage an accidental certainty when a man decides to settle down? Or is there such a thing as a marriage made with the conviction of love, love that includes sacrifices and life changing decisions? Can a man truly change partners without missing the person that he was with before? Will the euphoria of romance erase the memories of someone that he had loved before? I am afraid...what if you never get over the fact that you have met the one person you would want to spend your life with but couldn't, and all other relationships after that are just a waste of time? What if the relationship you have now is AS GOOD AS IT GETS? What if the memories of this relationship haunt you for the rest of your life? Is the inevitable a good enough reason to base your decision on?
On the flight home, I read "Veronika chooses to die". The premise of this fictionous book is that a young attractive woman, Veronika, decides to kill herself after envisioning the life that she was about to lead, the unescapable prison of the mundane and predictable. The BITTERNESS of life (I agree. Knowledge is a burden)However, she failed in her attempt but was told that she will inevitably die due to the complications caused by the pills she took to end her life. Knowing that, she decides to take risks that she'd never dared to take and opened herself to experiences she'd never imagined she would share with others. Alas, she discovered that she was not ready for Death's scythe. Unknown to her, the presiding doctor had lied to her. She was not going to die. But thinking that she was, made her appreciate everyday life a whole lot more as it should be. Life is a Miracle that should be craddled and its richness should be devoured at every moment.
Having read the book (it was a long flight), I agreed with it. No one should live their life in fear, frightened to take risks, to travel bumpy roads, to go for experiences. But still, when it comes to this relationship, I am afraid. Have I exposed myself too much? Have I become vulnerable to waves of emotions that might be more harmful than good? Thinking about my previous relationship, I realise that was how she felt. Maybe it is my retribution for the harm that I've caused another human being. I am so sorry. The guilt sometimes overcome me but I put it aside. What else can I do? Should I let droves and droves of guilt in me? Is that the right way to handle it? Sometimes I think of her and hope that she is well. Hope that she has found someone who will love her more than I ever did. I was the fool.
I learned something new about my religion on my travels. In other parts of the world, it is not a must for non-Muslim women to convert when marrying a Muslim man. A glimmer of hope but unfortunately in this part of the world, to even suggest a notion would cause chaos to the social-religious balance in my society. Normalcy or the balance is a social construct. It has been agreed upon by the majority that that is how things should be and anyone who thinks outside of the social construct is demonised. Skewed interpretation they say. But how can it be when an even larger majority believe in it? Does that mean that they are all wrong and only we are right? It almost seems illogical. Knowledge is a burden.
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