Dating in the City

So after breaking up with my girlfriend of the past 3 years (out of which I was in and out of that relationship..coz I did love her so), I started my turbulent adventure into the Singapore dating scene and so far it has been FARKING difficult.

The first few dates started out with girls that I met through an old primary school friend, Ginny. It was great that I was at least meeting some girls than none. Unfortunately, none that I was attracted to. They were all rather NICE.

Thereby the PROBLEM! I had enough of niceties. I do niceties every freaking day in the office. I want interesting, creative, quirky and most of all FUN!...I might be generalizing here, but to put the average Singaporean girl in the same context as fun is to call your mom HOT. It is a rather squirmish feeling that makes you regret saying it afterwards. Coincidentally, I've had numerous other men from other nationalities who have concurred with my judgement. If one person can be wrong, can 10 other guys be wrong if they are all saying the same things?

Now the Singaporean women out there will definitely say the same things about Singaporean men and I can honestly say that I agree with them. Most Singaporean men are not FUN. That's like saying Singaporean men have a well known characteristic. NO WE DO NOT. Singaporean men can only be proud that they are realistic albeit prudish men. They are somewhat honest but totally lacking in creativity, out-of-this world skills outside of being reliable and responsible. Well some-what responsible. This stems from the fact that we are bound by the limited land space that we have and the uniformity of the SYSTEM that has been socially constructed by the government in order to create a society suited for non-extremism. Unfortunately extremism is the key to creating a diversity which will in the end add some character to a Singaporean man, in the same way adversity creates character.

So back to the dating scene.

Peace

Peace....for the moment

.............29 years old...a whole life in front of her...yet she is dead...working hard for the money...exchanging her life for the riches the world has to offer. Appreciated? Non....Cared for?...Nope....Valued?....Nien... "Its a business transaction. You give your life and in exchange they give you money...." For her, it literally came true.

Never. I will never exchange my life for something as insignificant as that. The material goods in life can never take the place of the experiences that life has to offer. Sadness...sadness that the country, in its drive to succeed, a money whore so to speak, survival of its people they say..HAS LOST ITS SOUL...

Let me out of this prison, a prison for the mind, the spirit, and a prison of life.

Conversations

Conversations

Its funny how conversations can skew to a certain direction and lead you to a conclusion which you never expect. People express their inner most feelings and thoughts through words and I guess the conversations are the result of it all. I had one such conversation yesterday. It started to be an appraisal of sorts about me.....it ended with me without a relationship with the person I love anymore. I guess its for the best.....deep in me I know its for the best.....I do feel sad, alone, but I can't say that I've never felt this way before even when I was in a relationship. I guess I'M DONE. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.....Throw me the bottle and the cigarettes coz I need to go through a path of self-destruction...DRINKS ON ME ANYONE....2007. Its gonna be a fucked up year.

Underwhelmed?

This post had to be written. The voices in my head are becoming deafening. Love life, career, religion, family, finances, friends, foes, office politics, fake friends, wannabes, future, property, business, investments - my word, there are a lot topics floating around in my head. Love life-sucks as usual - unhappiness, bitterness, anger, oblivious, resignation. Why do two people who have no idea of what to do with a relationship stay together?....Bad idea? or Blind faith? Religion continues to be as mind boggling as ever. Do this, no don't do it...do that, no that's bad, that's good...Family-seems alright...Friends? Do I have any?Foes-I am indifferent to them, office politics-STUPID!Wannabes-shut your trap till you prove you have what it takes, Future?????property-none as yet, business-I'm brainstorming on a couple of ideas but none of the quick rich types, finances-very very low and investments-boy I hope they are making money, else I am just one of those suckers who think they can beat the poverty trap through sophisticated financial solutions. Who ever thought of calling them solutions anyways....Genius...coz he lied to so many but made them believe.Career.

I'm looking around for options. Besides the fact that everytime I step into the office I feel like killing myself and shouting at the gaffer for being an ignorant brat, I have come to face the fact that there is no way in hell or heaven, can I last a couple more months with someone who lacks humility, who potrays an image of self-righteousness, who is loud in an attention seeking sort of way and whose subordinates are beginning to see that he/she might not be all that. I think if that feeling is some clue of what I should be doing I bloody well should heed my own advice.

Who the fuck cares

Its hard to put in words emotions that you feel at certain points in your life. You know its happening to you because you feel it. But you just can't describe it. This is not one of those times.I FEEL FUCKING DEAD. My entire consciousness and sub-consciousness feels dead. I think I'm overwhelmed by the thoughts in my head that just refuses to dissapear....Can it be that in a relationship one feels overwhelmed by the other? Well.. that question sums up my whole attitude of the woman in front of me. While she blabbers on about her life and its ongoings, the only thought that registers in my head is WHO THE FUCK CARES?...but at the same time I'm thinking, I shouldn't really care coz its not my life. So why is it that its important to me that she takes notice of my opinions?...I dismiss it..like I said before WHO THE FUCK CARES?Is it strange that you would like someone but at the same time feel as though you don't at certain points of your relationship?

Anyways, enough about relationships.On the topic of my career, I am SERIOUSLY GETTING FUCKING BORED. I gotta get out.. i gotta get out.. i gotta get out...i gotta get out. Everyday in the office doing the same ole data entry bullshit is sucking my life away. i gotta get out. I don't really care for much about trying to achieve efficiency, service-orientedness blah blah blah bullshit blah blah blah blah and blah....ok maybe I do. But the point is I AM FUCKING BORED. Come'on man, throw me a lifeline here. I need to do something more than just babysitting people. I mean, I ain't from the Babysitter club. I'm in this to learn more about the business. I AM FUCKING BORED coz while the boss goes galavanting doing this and doing that, I'm stuck at home babysitting. FUCK THAT. Man, if i didn't need the money badly, I would definitely quit by now. FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUCK life and its obligations. I hope i didn't miss the boat.

Ok dudes who are reading this (only one I can think of) if you know of any opportunities where I might be able to get out of this hell hole, give me a shout. I definitely do not want to be stuck in this twilight zone of a place. I missed the boat once....never again.

Whirlwind

The happy ending that I wished for out of my whirlwind romance looks to be deteriorating fast. It was inevitable I guess. She had never totally commit to the idea of us thus any stumbling block in our path becomes a step too far to take in our relationship. The weird thing is, I'm ok with it. I think its time to stop playing games. I think I've given her all I've got - "Hello girl, this is me" - like me for who I am or don't even bother. I've gotten too old to change (plus the fact that I like what I've become). I'm sick and tired of explaining my actions while she sits high on a pedestal of management stature. Its amazing to see how some forget that they are humans who make mistakes as well. Look in the mirror I'd say. Sigh....Its a feeling of resignation, resignation to things that will become.

Lose Yourself

Lose Yourself

I have been in a thinking mode over the past couple of days (so what's new?). I realised some things about myself that I don't think I've ever internalized. These are a list of things I found out,

1. I like having conversations with strangers. I find it intriguing and it changes my perceptions and beliefs in a lot of issues.

2. I am currently at a point in my life where it is unstable, explosive, hardly calm and normal. That is the way I wanted it to be and I have achieved it. Maybe I'm a late bloomer. Where others have gone through this stage in their lives and are ready to move on, I've just started and I think I have the right to live it like this for a while. Hell, some others in other parts of the world are still living in choppy waters even at an older age.

3. I have issues. 3 persons in one weekend have told me that. Issue no. 1 My religion. Issue no. 2 My angsty outlook on life which I believe stems from the fact that I grew up in a disadvantaged background and I have succeded bringing myself from where I was from to where I am now (albeit with the help of others) through living the life that most others never lived. Issue no. 3 While I pine for a time where my life would be stable and easy, I would find it mundane. Living in turbulent conditions make you appreciate the finer points about people and about life.Issue no.4 I love with every bit of my soul and I expect the same in return. Issue no. 5 I date women who are tough as nails while I am the fool.

4. I am determined to succeed so movies about characters overcoming the obstacles they face in life interests me. But I am afraid that I have not shown enough guts to pursue my ambition. How far away from the line must a man travel in order to say that he has made the correct choices and mandatory sacrifices to achieve his goal.

5. I want to make travelling a part of my life. To garner experiences in other parts of the world is something I truly cherish. Knowing that you are not alone and is part of group of people known as humanity that goes through the same shit that you do makes you feel less hopeless about things.

6. I love PDA.

7. I hate mindless herds (i.e. dumb crowds)

8. I think too much.