Lose Yourself
I have been in a thinking mode over the past couple of days (so what's new?). I realised some things about myself that I don't think I've ever internalized. These are a list of things I found out,
1. I like having conversations with strangers. I find it intriguing and it changes my perceptions and beliefs in a lot of issues.
2. I am currently at a point in my life where it is unstable, explosive, hardly calm and normal. That is the way I wanted it to be and I have achieved it. Maybe I'm a late bloomer. Where others have gone through this stage in their lives and are ready to move on, I've just started and I think I have the right to live it like this for a while. Hell, some others in other parts of the world are still living in choppy waters even at an older age.
3. I have issues. 3 persons in one weekend have told me that. Issue no. 1 My religion. Issue no. 2 My angsty outlook on life which I believe stems from the fact that I grew up in a disadvantaged background and I have succeded bringing myself from where I was from to where I am now (albeit with the help of others) through living the life that most others never lived. Issue no. 3 While I pine for a time where my life would be stable and easy, I would find it mundane. Living in turbulent conditions make you appreciate the finer points about people and about life.Issue no.4 I love with every bit of my soul and I expect the same in return. Issue no. 5 I date women who are tough as nails while I am the fool.
4. I am determined to succeed so movies about characters overcoming the obstacles they face in life interests me. But I am afraid that I have not shown enough guts to pursue my ambition. How far away from the line must a man travel in order to say that he has made the correct choices and mandatory sacrifices to achieve his goal.
5. I want to make travelling a part of my life. To garner experiences in other parts of the world is something I truly cherish. Knowing that you are not alone and is part of group of people known as humanity that goes through the same shit that you do makes you feel less hopeless about things.
6. I love PDA.
7. I hate mindless herds (i.e. dumb crowds)
8. I think too much.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Sunny Side Up
Sunny Side Up
I'm back in Singapore. Passing through the gates of Changi Airport, I instantenously felt grieve. Back to reality, responsibilities and Asian societies' rules. Rules that are like invisible shackles to my very existence. It is strange that in a lot of ways, I felt most comfortable in a foreign land than I do in my own country. Is it wrong for me to feel this way I wonder?
I've been thinking about relationships a lot during my self-imposed exile. Are relationships suppose to be passing phases in a man's life and is marriage an accidental certainty when a man decides to settle down? Or is there such a thing as a marriage made with the conviction of love, love that includes sacrifices and life changing decisions? Can a man truly change partners without missing the person that he was with before? Will the euphoria of romance erase the memories of someone that he had loved before? I am afraid...what if you never get over the fact that you have met the one person you would want to spend your life with but couldn't, and all other relationships after that are just a waste of time? What if the relationship you have now is AS GOOD AS IT GETS? What if the memories of this relationship haunt you for the rest of your life? Is the inevitable a good enough reason to base your decision on?
On the flight home, I read "Veronika chooses to die". The premise of this fictionous book is that a young attractive woman, Veronika, decides to kill herself after envisioning the life that she was about to lead, the unescapable prison of the mundane and predictable. The BITTERNESS of life (I agree. Knowledge is a burden)However, she failed in her attempt but was told that she will inevitably die due to the complications caused by the pills she took to end her life. Knowing that, she decides to take risks that she'd never dared to take and opened herself to experiences she'd never imagined she would share with others. Alas, she discovered that she was not ready for Death's scythe. Unknown to her, the presiding doctor had lied to her. She was not going to die. But thinking that she was, made her appreciate everyday life a whole lot more as it should be. Life is a Miracle that should be craddled and its richness should be devoured at every moment.
Having read the book (it was a long flight), I agreed with it. No one should live their life in fear, frightened to take risks, to travel bumpy roads, to go for experiences. But still, when it comes to this relationship, I am afraid. Have I exposed myself too much? Have I become vulnerable to waves of emotions that might be more harmful than good? Thinking about my previous relationship, I realise that was how she felt. Maybe it is my retribution for the harm that I've caused another human being. I am so sorry. The guilt sometimes overcome me but I put it aside. What else can I do? Should I let droves and droves of guilt in me? Is that the right way to handle it? Sometimes I think of her and hope that she is well. Hope that she has found someone who will love her more than I ever did. I was the fool.
I learned something new about my religion on my travels. In other parts of the world, it is not a must for non-Muslim women to convert when marrying a Muslim man. A glimmer of hope but unfortunately in this part of the world, to even suggest a notion would cause chaos to the social-religious balance in my society. Normalcy or the balance is a social construct. It has been agreed upon by the majority that that is how things should be and anyone who thinks outside of the social construct is demonised. Skewed interpretation they say. But how can it be when an even larger majority believe in it? Does that mean that they are all wrong and only we are right? It almost seems illogical. Knowledge is a burden.
I'm back in Singapore. Passing through the gates of Changi Airport, I instantenously felt grieve. Back to reality, responsibilities and Asian societies' rules. Rules that are like invisible shackles to my very existence. It is strange that in a lot of ways, I felt most comfortable in a foreign land than I do in my own country. Is it wrong for me to feel this way I wonder?
I've been thinking about relationships a lot during my self-imposed exile. Are relationships suppose to be passing phases in a man's life and is marriage an accidental certainty when a man decides to settle down? Or is there such a thing as a marriage made with the conviction of love, love that includes sacrifices and life changing decisions? Can a man truly change partners without missing the person that he was with before? Will the euphoria of romance erase the memories of someone that he had loved before? I am afraid...what if you never get over the fact that you have met the one person you would want to spend your life with but couldn't, and all other relationships after that are just a waste of time? What if the relationship you have now is AS GOOD AS IT GETS? What if the memories of this relationship haunt you for the rest of your life? Is the inevitable a good enough reason to base your decision on?
On the flight home, I read "Veronika chooses to die". The premise of this fictionous book is that a young attractive woman, Veronika, decides to kill herself after envisioning the life that she was about to lead, the unescapable prison of the mundane and predictable. The BITTERNESS of life (I agree. Knowledge is a burden)However, she failed in her attempt but was told that she will inevitably die due to the complications caused by the pills she took to end her life. Knowing that, she decides to take risks that she'd never dared to take and opened herself to experiences she'd never imagined she would share with others. Alas, she discovered that she was not ready for Death's scythe. Unknown to her, the presiding doctor had lied to her. She was not going to die. But thinking that she was, made her appreciate everyday life a whole lot more as it should be. Life is a Miracle that should be craddled and its richness should be devoured at every moment.
Having read the book (it was a long flight), I agreed with it. No one should live their life in fear, frightened to take risks, to travel bumpy roads, to go for experiences. But still, when it comes to this relationship, I am afraid. Have I exposed myself too much? Have I become vulnerable to waves of emotions that might be more harmful than good? Thinking about my previous relationship, I realise that was how she felt. Maybe it is my retribution for the harm that I've caused another human being. I am so sorry. The guilt sometimes overcome me but I put it aside. What else can I do? Should I let droves and droves of guilt in me? Is that the right way to handle it? Sometimes I think of her and hope that she is well. Hope that she has found someone who will love her more than I ever did. I was the fool.
I learned something new about my religion on my travels. In other parts of the world, it is not a must for non-Muslim women to convert when marrying a Muslim man. A glimmer of hope but unfortunately in this part of the world, to even suggest a notion would cause chaos to the social-religious balance in my society. Normalcy or the balance is a social construct. It has been agreed upon by the majority that that is how things should be and anyone who thinks outside of the social construct is demonised. Skewed interpretation they say. But how can it be when an even larger majority believe in it? Does that mean that they are all wrong and only we are right? It almost seems illogical. Knowledge is a burden.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Ephiphany
Ephiphany
I am not made for Operations. These past few days in London have made me realise that. I can't be bothered with the nitty gritty details of Operational work. Ensuring procedures are written down, cost cutting, improving efficiency, developing workflows, whether a chop for a inputter and checker is better than using the system as a verification tool, doing up time frames, doing up procedure manuals, whether your procedure manual is better, having consistency in your work...I mean, WHAT THE FUCK!!!? SO FUCKING WHAT??!!!...Your way is as good as mine!! So how does that improve anything!!!??? I'm not a fucking robot. I was made to be human and I love the humanistic aspects of myself. At the end of the day, the only fucking difference is how fast you do your job isn't it? Its just either YOUR WAY or MY WAY. FUCK THAT. I'm not interested in that. I'm interested in thinking my brains out in order to prove that I'm smarter. I'm into making a fool at someone else's expense. I'm into being so focused in my job that I couldn't care less about what's happening around me. I'm into solving problems when there seems to be no solutions. That's what I'm good at. That's the kind of job I aspire to have.
So where does this lead me to......the inevitable. I have to move away from a job which I know I'm good at but I just don't have the passion for. Is it the right move? I'm not too certain. But I'm willing to try. How soon? probably in a year's time in order to keep my promise.If not for anything, I will lead my life keeping promises that I make.
I am not made for Operations. These past few days in London have made me realise that. I can't be bothered with the nitty gritty details of Operational work. Ensuring procedures are written down, cost cutting, improving efficiency, developing workflows, whether a chop for a inputter and checker is better than using the system as a verification tool, doing up time frames, doing up procedure manuals, whether your procedure manual is better, having consistency in your work...I mean, WHAT THE FUCK!!!? SO FUCKING WHAT??!!!...Your way is as good as mine!! So how does that improve anything!!!??? I'm not a fucking robot. I was made to be human and I love the humanistic aspects of myself. At the end of the day, the only fucking difference is how fast you do your job isn't it? Its just either YOUR WAY or MY WAY. FUCK THAT. I'm not interested in that. I'm interested in thinking my brains out in order to prove that I'm smarter. I'm into making a fool at someone else's expense. I'm into being so focused in my job that I couldn't care less about what's happening around me. I'm into solving problems when there seems to be no solutions. That's what I'm good at. That's the kind of job I aspire to have.
So where does this lead me to......the inevitable. I have to move away from a job which I know I'm good at but I just don't have the passion for. Is it the right move? I'm not too certain. But I'm willing to try. How soon? probably in a year's time in order to keep my promise.If not for anything, I will lead my life keeping promises that I make.
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