Sunny Side Up

Sunny Side Up

I'm back in Singapore. Passing through the gates of Changi Airport, I instantenously felt grieve. Back to reality, responsibilities and Asian societies' rules. Rules that are like invisible shackles to my very existence. It is strange that in a lot of ways, I felt most comfortable in a foreign land than I do in my own country. Is it wrong for me to feel this way I wonder?

I've been thinking about relationships a lot during my self-imposed exile. Are relationships suppose to be passing phases in a man's life and is marriage an accidental certainty when a man decides to settle down? Or is there such a thing as a marriage made with the conviction of love, love that includes sacrifices and life changing decisions? Can a man truly change partners without missing the person that he was with before? Will the euphoria of romance erase the memories of someone that he had loved before? I am afraid...what if you never get over the fact that you have met the one person you would want to spend your life with but couldn't, and all other relationships after that are just a waste of time? What if the relationship you have now is AS GOOD AS IT GETS? What if the memories of this relationship haunt you for the rest of your life? Is the inevitable a good enough reason to base your decision on?

On the flight home, I read "Veronika chooses to die". The premise of this fictionous book is that a young attractive woman, Veronika, decides to kill herself after envisioning the life that she was about to lead, the unescapable prison of the mundane and predictable. The BITTERNESS of life (I agree. Knowledge is a burden)However, she failed in her attempt but was told that she will inevitably die due to the complications caused by the pills she took to end her life. Knowing that, she decides to take risks that she'd never dared to take and opened herself to experiences she'd never imagined she would share with others. Alas, she discovered that she was not ready for Death's scythe. Unknown to her, the presiding doctor had lied to her. She was not going to die. But thinking that she was, made her appreciate everyday life a whole lot more as it should be. Life is a Miracle that should be craddled and its richness should be devoured at every moment.

Having read the book (it was a long flight), I agreed with it. No one should live their life in fear, frightened to take risks, to travel bumpy roads, to go for experiences. But still, when it comes to this relationship, I am afraid. Have I exposed myself too much? Have I become vulnerable to waves of emotions that might be more harmful than good? Thinking about my previous relationship, I realise that was how she felt. Maybe it is my retribution for the harm that I've caused another human being. I am so sorry. The guilt sometimes overcome me but I put it aside. What else can I do? Should I let droves and droves of guilt in me? Is that the right way to handle it? Sometimes I think of her and hope that she is well. Hope that she has found someone who will love her more than I ever did. I was the fool.

I learned something new about my religion on my travels. In other parts of the world, it is not a must for non-Muslim women to convert when marrying a Muslim man. A glimmer of hope but unfortunately in this part of the world, to even suggest a notion would cause chaos to the social-religious balance in my society. Normalcy or the balance is a social construct. It has been agreed upon by the majority that that is how things should be and anyone who thinks outside of the social construct is demonised. Skewed interpretation they say. But how can it be when an even larger majority believe in it? Does that mean that they are all wrong and only we are right? It almost seems illogical. Knowledge is a burden.