All about Nothing

All about No Thing

To the readers of my blog (currently only one that I know of and that's coz he writes comments haha) I do apologise for the previous outburst. I felt it and I couldn't scream it (coz I was in the office) and thus I released it.....on my blog that is. Do not fear, all is well with the TormentT. I AM A HAPPY CAMPER (I think if I say this a lot, I'll feel a whole lot better about everything).

I am leaving for London (again) in a few days time. Have hardly packed, am hardly excited but somehow I'm looking forward to it. Looking forward to being on my own, letting go of my comfort zone and hopefully be vulnerable to some sort of experience. It will be an 18 hour journey. Treacherous, maybe. Fun, couldn't possibly. Unpredictable, hopefully.

I had one of those lonely days today. Quiet, peaceful yet with my mind buzzing. Have you ever had that need to make it stop? Maybe that's why people want to be happy. Coz somehow when you're happy and in the moment, you stop thinking, and that gives you the relief you so desire.

Been thinking about my ex a lot. I was the bastard. I made a promise I couldn't keep and that really sucked (notice the correct grammar hahha). Its a guilt I live with every once in a while. I know how she feels ; wanting someone but not being able to have him. Metaphorically it is like when your whole being feels vulnerable to hurt and pain every time a speck of memory in your head pops up. I feel its unfair. I feel I shouldn't have and I try to analyse and think of reasons why it happened but I can't. Someone said maybe we weren't meant to be. Fate. Fate is what we make.Do I believe that? God has a hand to play in every single moment in our lives. Did God have a hand to play in this one? Or was it just me?

We were together for a long time. Though not all the times were good, not all of it was bad either. Somedays I woke up and I felt truly in love with her, that I could spend the rest of my life with her but there were lots of other days that I felt I was alone. Alone in a relationship. Ironic isn't it? She once said that a woman feels like her life is complete when she has a companion. I feel like I'm still alone. I take the bus home ALONE. I go to work ALONE. I am at work ALONE. I eat lunch ALONE. (I didn't mean that I was a weirdo who eats lunch by himself...even though I do sometimes but that a choice rather than because I'm forced to .......its just the feeling of loneliness even among people) I felt I gave her happiness but she couldn't fill the void in me. Was the abyss too deep? Or was I closed with her? She made me laugh, cry, worry, love....but she just couldn't make me feel less alone. Was this a sickness? Have I been doctored in someway, by the experiences that I've had, growing up as a latch key kid that I will feel like this all the time? Or is it just a defence mechanism that I put up in order not to feel hurt?

Only recently, I put it down. I felt the void close. A respite. But after awhile, as usual, there it was again. Peeking its ugly nose into my life. She wasn't someone I could count on. She left me high and dry a couple of times. And the cycle repeats itself. I gave her happiness....she THINKS she gave happiness to me. But I felt none. I was back on my own again.