This post had to be written. The voices in my head are becoming deafening. Love life, career, religion, family, finances, friends, foes, office politics, fake friends, wannabes, future, property, business, investments - my word, there are a lot topics floating around in my head. Love life-sucks as usual - unhappiness, bitterness, anger, oblivious, resignation. Why do two people who have no idea of what to do with a relationship stay together?....Bad idea? or Blind faith? Religion continues to be as mind boggling as ever. Do this, no don't do it...do that, no that's bad, that's good...Family-seems alright...Friends? Do I have any?Foes-I am indifferent to them, office politics-STUPID!Wannabes-shut your trap till you prove you have what it takes, Future?????property-none as yet, business-I'm brainstorming on a couple of ideas but none of the quick rich types, finances-very very low and investments-boy I hope they are making money, else I am just one of those suckers who think they can beat the poverty trap through sophisticated financial solutions. Who ever thought of calling them solutions anyways....Genius...coz he lied to so many but made them believe.Career.
I'm looking around for options. Besides the fact that everytime I step into the office I feel like killing myself and shouting at the gaffer for being an ignorant brat, I have come to face the fact that there is no way in hell or heaven, can I last a couple more months with someone who lacks humility, who potrays an image of self-righteousness, who is loud in an attention seeking sort of way and whose subordinates are beginning to see that he/she might not be all that. I think if that feeling is some clue of what I should be doing I bloody well should heed my own advice.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Who the fuck cares
Its hard to put in words emotions that you feel at certain points in your life. You know its happening to you because you feel it. But you just can't describe it. This is not one of those times.I FEEL FUCKING DEAD. My entire consciousness and sub-consciousness feels dead. I think I'm overwhelmed by the thoughts in my head that just refuses to dissapear....Can it be that in a relationship one feels overwhelmed by the other? Well.. that question sums up my whole attitude of the woman in front of me. While she blabbers on about her life and its ongoings, the only thought that registers in my head is WHO THE FUCK CARES?...but at the same time I'm thinking, I shouldn't really care coz its not my life. So why is it that its important to me that she takes notice of my opinions?...I dismiss it..like I said before WHO THE FUCK CARES?Is it strange that you would like someone but at the same time feel as though you don't at certain points of your relationship?
Anyways, enough about relationships.On the topic of my career, I am SERIOUSLY GETTING FUCKING BORED. I gotta get out.. i gotta get out.. i gotta get out...i gotta get out. Everyday in the office doing the same ole data entry bullshit is sucking my life away. i gotta get out. I don't really care for much about trying to achieve efficiency, service-orientedness blah blah blah bullshit blah blah blah blah and blah....ok maybe I do. But the point is I AM FUCKING BORED. Come'on man, throw me a lifeline here. I need to do something more than just babysitting people. I mean, I ain't from the Babysitter club. I'm in this to learn more about the business. I AM FUCKING BORED coz while the boss goes galavanting doing this and doing that, I'm stuck at home babysitting. FUCK THAT. Man, if i didn't need the money badly, I would definitely quit by now. FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUCK life and its obligations. I hope i didn't miss the boat.
Ok dudes who are reading this (only one I can think of) if you know of any opportunities where I might be able to get out of this hell hole, give me a shout. I definitely do not want to be stuck in this twilight zone of a place. I missed the boat once....never again.
Anyways, enough about relationships.On the topic of my career, I am SERIOUSLY GETTING FUCKING BORED. I gotta get out.. i gotta get out.. i gotta get out...i gotta get out. Everyday in the office doing the same ole data entry bullshit is sucking my life away. i gotta get out. I don't really care for much about trying to achieve efficiency, service-orientedness blah blah blah bullshit blah blah blah blah and blah....ok maybe I do. But the point is I AM FUCKING BORED. Come'on man, throw me a lifeline here. I need to do something more than just babysitting people. I mean, I ain't from the Babysitter club. I'm in this to learn more about the business. I AM FUCKING BORED coz while the boss goes galavanting doing this and doing that, I'm stuck at home babysitting. FUCK THAT. Man, if i didn't need the money badly, I would definitely quit by now. FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUCK life and its obligations. I hope i didn't miss the boat.
Ok dudes who are reading this (only one I can think of) if you know of any opportunities where I might be able to get out of this hell hole, give me a shout. I definitely do not want to be stuck in this twilight zone of a place. I missed the boat once....never again.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Whirlwind
The happy ending that I wished for out of my whirlwind romance looks to be deteriorating fast. It was inevitable I guess. She had never totally commit to the idea of us thus any stumbling block in our path becomes a step too far to take in our relationship. The weird thing is, I'm ok with it. I think its time to stop playing games. I think I've given her all I've got - "Hello girl, this is me" - like me for who I am or don't even bother. I've gotten too old to change (plus the fact that I like what I've become). I'm sick and tired of explaining my actions while she sits high on a pedestal of management stature. Its amazing to see how some forget that they are humans who make mistakes as well. Look in the mirror I'd say. Sigh....Its a feeling of resignation, resignation to things that will become.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Lose Yourself
Lose Yourself
I have been in a thinking mode over the past couple of days (so what's new?). I realised some things about myself that I don't think I've ever internalized. These are a list of things I found out,
1. I like having conversations with strangers. I find it intriguing and it changes my perceptions and beliefs in a lot of issues.
2. I am currently at a point in my life where it is unstable, explosive, hardly calm and normal. That is the way I wanted it to be and I have achieved it. Maybe I'm a late bloomer. Where others have gone through this stage in their lives and are ready to move on, I've just started and I think I have the right to live it like this for a while. Hell, some others in other parts of the world are still living in choppy waters even at an older age.
3. I have issues. 3 persons in one weekend have told me that. Issue no. 1 My religion. Issue no. 2 My angsty outlook on life which I believe stems from the fact that I grew up in a disadvantaged background and I have succeded bringing myself from where I was from to where I am now (albeit with the help of others) through living the life that most others never lived. Issue no. 3 While I pine for a time where my life would be stable and easy, I would find it mundane. Living in turbulent conditions make you appreciate the finer points about people and about life.Issue no.4 I love with every bit of my soul and I expect the same in return. Issue no. 5 I date women who are tough as nails while I am the fool.
4. I am determined to succeed so movies about characters overcoming the obstacles they face in life interests me. But I am afraid that I have not shown enough guts to pursue my ambition. How far away from the line must a man travel in order to say that he has made the correct choices and mandatory sacrifices to achieve his goal.
5. I want to make travelling a part of my life. To garner experiences in other parts of the world is something I truly cherish. Knowing that you are not alone and is part of group of people known as humanity that goes through the same shit that you do makes you feel less hopeless about things.
6. I love PDA.
7. I hate mindless herds (i.e. dumb crowds)
8. I think too much.
I have been in a thinking mode over the past couple of days (so what's new?). I realised some things about myself that I don't think I've ever internalized. These are a list of things I found out,
1. I like having conversations with strangers. I find it intriguing and it changes my perceptions and beliefs in a lot of issues.
2. I am currently at a point in my life where it is unstable, explosive, hardly calm and normal. That is the way I wanted it to be and I have achieved it. Maybe I'm a late bloomer. Where others have gone through this stage in their lives and are ready to move on, I've just started and I think I have the right to live it like this for a while. Hell, some others in other parts of the world are still living in choppy waters even at an older age.
3. I have issues. 3 persons in one weekend have told me that. Issue no. 1 My religion. Issue no. 2 My angsty outlook on life which I believe stems from the fact that I grew up in a disadvantaged background and I have succeded bringing myself from where I was from to where I am now (albeit with the help of others) through living the life that most others never lived. Issue no. 3 While I pine for a time where my life would be stable and easy, I would find it mundane. Living in turbulent conditions make you appreciate the finer points about people and about life.Issue no.4 I love with every bit of my soul and I expect the same in return. Issue no. 5 I date women who are tough as nails while I am the fool.
4. I am determined to succeed so movies about characters overcoming the obstacles they face in life interests me. But I am afraid that I have not shown enough guts to pursue my ambition. How far away from the line must a man travel in order to say that he has made the correct choices and mandatory sacrifices to achieve his goal.
5. I want to make travelling a part of my life. To garner experiences in other parts of the world is something I truly cherish. Knowing that you are not alone and is part of group of people known as humanity that goes through the same shit that you do makes you feel less hopeless about things.
6. I love PDA.
7. I hate mindless herds (i.e. dumb crowds)
8. I think too much.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Sunny Side Up
Sunny Side Up
I'm back in Singapore. Passing through the gates of Changi Airport, I instantenously felt grieve. Back to reality, responsibilities and Asian societies' rules. Rules that are like invisible shackles to my very existence. It is strange that in a lot of ways, I felt most comfortable in a foreign land than I do in my own country. Is it wrong for me to feel this way I wonder?
I've been thinking about relationships a lot during my self-imposed exile. Are relationships suppose to be passing phases in a man's life and is marriage an accidental certainty when a man decides to settle down? Or is there such a thing as a marriage made with the conviction of love, love that includes sacrifices and life changing decisions? Can a man truly change partners without missing the person that he was with before? Will the euphoria of romance erase the memories of someone that he had loved before? I am afraid...what if you never get over the fact that you have met the one person you would want to spend your life with but couldn't, and all other relationships after that are just a waste of time? What if the relationship you have now is AS GOOD AS IT GETS? What if the memories of this relationship haunt you for the rest of your life? Is the inevitable a good enough reason to base your decision on?
On the flight home, I read "Veronika chooses to die". The premise of this fictionous book is that a young attractive woman, Veronika, decides to kill herself after envisioning the life that she was about to lead, the unescapable prison of the mundane and predictable. The BITTERNESS of life (I agree. Knowledge is a burden)However, she failed in her attempt but was told that she will inevitably die due to the complications caused by the pills she took to end her life. Knowing that, she decides to take risks that she'd never dared to take and opened herself to experiences she'd never imagined she would share with others. Alas, she discovered that she was not ready for Death's scythe. Unknown to her, the presiding doctor had lied to her. She was not going to die. But thinking that she was, made her appreciate everyday life a whole lot more as it should be. Life is a Miracle that should be craddled and its richness should be devoured at every moment.
Having read the book (it was a long flight), I agreed with it. No one should live their life in fear, frightened to take risks, to travel bumpy roads, to go for experiences. But still, when it comes to this relationship, I am afraid. Have I exposed myself too much? Have I become vulnerable to waves of emotions that might be more harmful than good? Thinking about my previous relationship, I realise that was how she felt. Maybe it is my retribution for the harm that I've caused another human being. I am so sorry. The guilt sometimes overcome me but I put it aside. What else can I do? Should I let droves and droves of guilt in me? Is that the right way to handle it? Sometimes I think of her and hope that she is well. Hope that she has found someone who will love her more than I ever did. I was the fool.
I learned something new about my religion on my travels. In other parts of the world, it is not a must for non-Muslim women to convert when marrying a Muslim man. A glimmer of hope but unfortunately in this part of the world, to even suggest a notion would cause chaos to the social-religious balance in my society. Normalcy or the balance is a social construct. It has been agreed upon by the majority that that is how things should be and anyone who thinks outside of the social construct is demonised. Skewed interpretation they say. But how can it be when an even larger majority believe in it? Does that mean that they are all wrong and only we are right? It almost seems illogical. Knowledge is a burden.
I'm back in Singapore. Passing through the gates of Changi Airport, I instantenously felt grieve. Back to reality, responsibilities and Asian societies' rules. Rules that are like invisible shackles to my very existence. It is strange that in a lot of ways, I felt most comfortable in a foreign land than I do in my own country. Is it wrong for me to feel this way I wonder?
I've been thinking about relationships a lot during my self-imposed exile. Are relationships suppose to be passing phases in a man's life and is marriage an accidental certainty when a man decides to settle down? Or is there such a thing as a marriage made with the conviction of love, love that includes sacrifices and life changing decisions? Can a man truly change partners without missing the person that he was with before? Will the euphoria of romance erase the memories of someone that he had loved before? I am afraid...what if you never get over the fact that you have met the one person you would want to spend your life with but couldn't, and all other relationships after that are just a waste of time? What if the relationship you have now is AS GOOD AS IT GETS? What if the memories of this relationship haunt you for the rest of your life? Is the inevitable a good enough reason to base your decision on?
On the flight home, I read "Veronika chooses to die". The premise of this fictionous book is that a young attractive woman, Veronika, decides to kill herself after envisioning the life that she was about to lead, the unescapable prison of the mundane and predictable. The BITTERNESS of life (I agree. Knowledge is a burden)However, she failed in her attempt but was told that she will inevitably die due to the complications caused by the pills she took to end her life. Knowing that, she decides to take risks that she'd never dared to take and opened herself to experiences she'd never imagined she would share with others. Alas, she discovered that she was not ready for Death's scythe. Unknown to her, the presiding doctor had lied to her. She was not going to die. But thinking that she was, made her appreciate everyday life a whole lot more as it should be. Life is a Miracle that should be craddled and its richness should be devoured at every moment.
Having read the book (it was a long flight), I agreed with it. No one should live their life in fear, frightened to take risks, to travel bumpy roads, to go for experiences. But still, when it comes to this relationship, I am afraid. Have I exposed myself too much? Have I become vulnerable to waves of emotions that might be more harmful than good? Thinking about my previous relationship, I realise that was how she felt. Maybe it is my retribution for the harm that I've caused another human being. I am so sorry. The guilt sometimes overcome me but I put it aside. What else can I do? Should I let droves and droves of guilt in me? Is that the right way to handle it? Sometimes I think of her and hope that she is well. Hope that she has found someone who will love her more than I ever did. I was the fool.
I learned something new about my religion on my travels. In other parts of the world, it is not a must for non-Muslim women to convert when marrying a Muslim man. A glimmer of hope but unfortunately in this part of the world, to even suggest a notion would cause chaos to the social-religious balance in my society. Normalcy or the balance is a social construct. It has been agreed upon by the majority that that is how things should be and anyone who thinks outside of the social construct is demonised. Skewed interpretation they say. But how can it be when an even larger majority believe in it? Does that mean that they are all wrong and only we are right? It almost seems illogical. Knowledge is a burden.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Ephiphany
Ephiphany
I am not made for Operations. These past few days in London have made me realise that. I can't be bothered with the nitty gritty details of Operational work. Ensuring procedures are written down, cost cutting, improving efficiency, developing workflows, whether a chop for a inputter and checker is better than using the system as a verification tool, doing up time frames, doing up procedure manuals, whether your procedure manual is better, having consistency in your work...I mean, WHAT THE FUCK!!!? SO FUCKING WHAT??!!!...Your way is as good as mine!! So how does that improve anything!!!??? I'm not a fucking robot. I was made to be human and I love the humanistic aspects of myself. At the end of the day, the only fucking difference is how fast you do your job isn't it? Its just either YOUR WAY or MY WAY. FUCK THAT. I'm not interested in that. I'm interested in thinking my brains out in order to prove that I'm smarter. I'm into making a fool at someone else's expense. I'm into being so focused in my job that I couldn't care less about what's happening around me. I'm into solving problems when there seems to be no solutions. That's what I'm good at. That's the kind of job I aspire to have.
So where does this lead me to......the inevitable. I have to move away from a job which I know I'm good at but I just don't have the passion for. Is it the right move? I'm not too certain. But I'm willing to try. How soon? probably in a year's time in order to keep my promise.If not for anything, I will lead my life keeping promises that I make.
I am not made for Operations. These past few days in London have made me realise that. I can't be bothered with the nitty gritty details of Operational work. Ensuring procedures are written down, cost cutting, improving efficiency, developing workflows, whether a chop for a inputter and checker is better than using the system as a verification tool, doing up time frames, doing up procedure manuals, whether your procedure manual is better, having consistency in your work...I mean, WHAT THE FUCK!!!? SO FUCKING WHAT??!!!...Your way is as good as mine!! So how does that improve anything!!!??? I'm not a fucking robot. I was made to be human and I love the humanistic aspects of myself. At the end of the day, the only fucking difference is how fast you do your job isn't it? Its just either YOUR WAY or MY WAY. FUCK THAT. I'm not interested in that. I'm interested in thinking my brains out in order to prove that I'm smarter. I'm into making a fool at someone else's expense. I'm into being so focused in my job that I couldn't care less about what's happening around me. I'm into solving problems when there seems to be no solutions. That's what I'm good at. That's the kind of job I aspire to have.
So where does this lead me to......the inevitable. I have to move away from a job which I know I'm good at but I just don't have the passion for. Is it the right move? I'm not too certain. But I'm willing to try. How soon? probably in a year's time in order to keep my promise.If not for anything, I will lead my life keeping promises that I make.
Friday, August 25, 2006
Insomniac
Insomniac
As per the title of this post, I CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP!!! Its 6.30am.Tried to stay awake yesterday till about 6pm London time but unfortunately, lying on a leather couch isn't exactly very conducive for that. Luckily I woke up around 9pm, had dinner (also known as tea here...weird) and then went off to sleep again. Unfortunately, I woke up at 4am to the sound of my sms tone. "YOU HAVE A MESSAGE!!," it blared. Fuck, should have remembered to switch that off last night so that the people in Singapore don't wake me up while I'm trying to get some shut eye. But it was from her...Bloody hell. Did she not know that its 7 hours behind here in the UK? Ouh well.
Seeing as I can't sleep, I'm back in my aunt/cousin's home office, typing away on this post for the pleasure of my reader/s. Lucky you, you pampered bastard/s. Another post for you to read at my expense. My arms still feel like lead after yesterday's training. My aunt/cousin has a trainer that comes by her house every Friday to help herself and her husband, keep fit. Talk about living the life of the rich and famous man. The routine includes a bunch of press-ups, short runs, a bit of boxing and for me, skipping. All of which lasted for about an hour. I must say the boxing bit was quite fun. Could envision myself doing that back in Singapore. Maybe I'll sign up with a gym . HAHA....as if.
I have been reading this book entitled "Where God was born" which is like going on a fascinating journey to the origins of Judaism, Christianity and Islam. I don't know how much of it I can believe but I guess it can't be wrong to read something which uses the backdrop of religion to hype the archaelogical aspects of it. But I AM getting confused with all the terms and specific references to the Bible. Now, as far as I know, the author is a Jew. Thus I am not quite sure which Bible he is referring to. From a Muslim standpoint, the Jews use another book called the Torah, the Christians use the Bible (the whichever version that is) and we Muslims use the Quran (pronounced as Kooran, only one version exists, apparently). But excluding the specifics, the author writes stuff which is relevant, at some stage or another, to the believers from any of the 3 religions. Not something new for me. Islam, being the last out of the 3 religion sto start, has the benefit of hindsight. Thus stories, poems in the Quran, did indeed mention the prophets that exists in Judaism and Christianity. Before I get carried away with this track of mind though, I think I better stop. I, for one believe that religion should be a private matter to be discussed privately in order to prevent mass misunderstandings. Thus any discussions about religion should and will be kept out of my blog. Unless of course I'm talking about the gribes I have with mine. Don't even get me started on that one.
Anyways, today will be another chilled out day. I reckon I'll be heading into London to do some sight-seeing. FUCK! I just realised I have forgotten to bring my digicam. But I still have my trusted nano ipod and books so I guess I'll be alright. Hopefully find some adventure along the way. Unlikely, but I do hope..
As per the title of this post, I CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP!!! Its 6.30am.Tried to stay awake yesterday till about 6pm London time but unfortunately, lying on a leather couch isn't exactly very conducive for that. Luckily I woke up around 9pm, had dinner (also known as tea here...weird) and then went off to sleep again. Unfortunately, I woke up at 4am to the sound of my sms tone. "YOU HAVE A MESSAGE!!," it blared. Fuck, should have remembered to switch that off last night so that the people in Singapore don't wake me up while I'm trying to get some shut eye. But it was from her...Bloody hell. Did she not know that its 7 hours behind here in the UK? Ouh well.
Seeing as I can't sleep, I'm back in my aunt/cousin's home office, typing away on this post for the pleasure of my reader/s. Lucky you, you pampered bastard/s. Another post for you to read at my expense. My arms still feel like lead after yesterday's training. My aunt/cousin has a trainer that comes by her house every Friday to help herself and her husband, keep fit. Talk about living the life of the rich and famous man. The routine includes a bunch of press-ups, short runs, a bit of boxing and for me, skipping. All of which lasted for about an hour. I must say the boxing bit was quite fun. Could envision myself doing that back in Singapore. Maybe I'll sign up with a gym . HAHA....as if.
I have been reading this book entitled "Where God was born" which is like going on a fascinating journey to the origins of Judaism, Christianity and Islam. I don't know how much of it I can believe but I guess it can't be wrong to read something which uses the backdrop of religion to hype the archaelogical aspects of it. But I AM getting confused with all the terms and specific references to the Bible. Now, as far as I know, the author is a Jew. Thus I am not quite sure which Bible he is referring to. From a Muslim standpoint, the Jews use another book called the Torah, the Christians use the Bible (the whichever version that is) and we Muslims use the Quran (pronounced as Kooran, only one version exists, apparently). But excluding the specifics, the author writes stuff which is relevant, at some stage or another, to the believers from any of the 3 religions. Not something new for me. Islam, being the last out of the 3 religion sto start, has the benefit of hindsight. Thus stories, poems in the Quran, did indeed mention the prophets that exists in Judaism and Christianity. Before I get carried away with this track of mind though, I think I better stop. I, for one believe that religion should be a private matter to be discussed privately in order to prevent mass misunderstandings. Thus any discussions about religion should and will be kept out of my blog. Unless of course I'm talking about the gribes I have with mine. Don't even get me started on that one.
Anyways, today will be another chilled out day. I reckon I'll be heading into London to do some sight-seeing. FUCK! I just realised I have forgotten to bring my digicam. But I still have my trusted nano ipod and books so I guess I'll be alright. Hopefully find some adventure along the way. Unlikely, but I do hope..
A New World
A New World
Here I am in London (again)...Haha.. a post from overseas, never thought that would happen...After an 18 hour journey, I am quite composed actually. It actually feels like I took a bus from Singapore and got off a different part of the planet. Unlike the first time though, I don't feel lost or overawed by the experiece though. A caveat for this post, it is going to be one of those typical life event posts with no deep insights into life or society or humanity.
I am currently in my aunt/cousin's home office in London. The family here, they are ultimately the coolest Muslims I've ever met and I reckon I won't be out of place staying here with them. In the background, my aunt/cousin is screaming at her employee in Pakistan. Apparently they have a software company there and she barks orders to them in the comfort of her home. How mega cool is that?!!! That's what I'm talking about. Living above the system, no boundaries, no restrictions and making full use of life instead of being stuck in an office. Money is not to be made only at a workplace. Money can be made anywhere.
So anyways, flight from Singapore was at 10.40pm. After being a traveller for the past year, I have finally come up with ways that would make travelling an enjoyable experience. Some tips that I would like to share to my reader/readers...Firstly, try to check in over the internet and get a seat near the emergency exit, especially if you're a long legged guy like me. Once you get that seat, it is as good as a business class seat. With that much space, you never feel constraint and somehow or rather, that makes life in a dick-like vessel a whole lot better. 2ndly, the check-in counter at the airport will always lie about what time the gate closes, so go to the gate at the lastest possible time (before the flight takes off). That way, you'll feel like you're on an express lane. By the time you enter the plane, all the other sheeps are seated down and you won't have to push and shove your way around. 3rdly, always have an ipod and book handy. That should keep you occupied, expecially on a 13 hour flight like mine. I found that if I couldn't sleep, I still had something to do instead of just staring into space. 4thly, if you are travelling alone, try to bring a backpackers bag instead of suitcase for several reasons. First, it is cool. Second, it makes you more mobile. Third, you don't look like the other sheeps who drag their suitcases on non-suitcase friendly places (platforms with stairs come to mind). Lastly, never ask for Muslim food. Though it helps to know that your food is halal, you might get stuck with something which is a poor excuse for food. I didn't and I had a wonderful breakfast of scrambled eggs and crossaint, which is what I have always wanted instead of something the airlines try to pass off as nasi lemak. Just in case one of my readers work in the airline industry, please tell this to your boss. Microwaved rice should never be served to people unless you want a lawsuit on your hand. It is hard and it hardly tastes like cooked rice.
So, I got off the plane at 4.30am. An ungodly hour if you ask me but I felt I had enough sleep to continue my journey. I knew I had to take a bus to Hatton Cross tube station but being on my own instilled a sense of adventure in me so I tried to make my way to Heathrow tube station (whether it exists or not was a different matter). It took me an hour but lo and behold there was one . One and a half hour later, I reached Woodford. My 18 hour journey came to an end.
On the tube though, I had this thought. Seeing Londoners stroll into and out of the tube train, I wonder if they realise that in another part of the world (an island city that should not be named) they are considered to be respectable members of society. They are given better treatment, they have the better pay and they get better looking woman. I wish to say that this is a generalized statement though but since this is my blog, it is thus without contestation. But here in suprisingly sunny London, they are nothing but mere mortals, going to work in the wee hours of the morning, trying to make a living, just like myself back home. Till my next post, to my friends and family in Singapore, a very big Hello all the way from London. It feels like I never left.
Here I am in London (again)...Haha.. a post from overseas, never thought that would happen...After an 18 hour journey, I am quite composed actually. It actually feels like I took a bus from Singapore and got off a different part of the planet. Unlike the first time though, I don't feel lost or overawed by the experiece though. A caveat for this post, it is going to be one of those typical life event posts with no deep insights into life or society or humanity.
I am currently in my aunt/cousin's home office in London. The family here, they are ultimately the coolest Muslims I've ever met and I reckon I won't be out of place staying here with them. In the background, my aunt/cousin is screaming at her employee in Pakistan. Apparently they have a software company there and she barks orders to them in the comfort of her home. How mega cool is that?!!! That's what I'm talking about. Living above the system, no boundaries, no restrictions and making full use of life instead of being stuck in an office. Money is not to be made only at a workplace. Money can be made anywhere.
So anyways, flight from Singapore was at 10.40pm. After being a traveller for the past year, I have finally come up with ways that would make travelling an enjoyable experience. Some tips that I would like to share to my reader/readers...Firstly, try to check in over the internet and get a seat near the emergency exit, especially if you're a long legged guy like me. Once you get that seat, it is as good as a business class seat. With that much space, you never feel constraint and somehow or rather, that makes life in a dick-like vessel a whole lot better. 2ndly, the check-in counter at the airport will always lie about what time the gate closes, so go to the gate at the lastest possible time (before the flight takes off). That way, you'll feel like you're on an express lane. By the time you enter the plane, all the other sheeps are seated down and you won't have to push and shove your way around. 3rdly, always have an ipod and book handy. That should keep you occupied, expecially on a 13 hour flight like mine. I found that if I couldn't sleep, I still had something to do instead of just staring into space. 4thly, if you are travelling alone, try to bring a backpackers bag instead of suitcase for several reasons. First, it is cool. Second, it makes you more mobile. Third, you don't look like the other sheeps who drag their suitcases on non-suitcase friendly places (platforms with stairs come to mind). Lastly, never ask for Muslim food. Though it helps to know that your food is halal, you might get stuck with something which is a poor excuse for food. I didn't and I had a wonderful breakfast of scrambled eggs and crossaint, which is what I have always wanted instead of something the airlines try to pass off as nasi lemak. Just in case one of my readers work in the airline industry, please tell this to your boss. Microwaved rice should never be served to people unless you want a lawsuit on your hand. It is hard and it hardly tastes like cooked rice.
So, I got off the plane at 4.30am. An ungodly hour if you ask me but I felt I had enough sleep to continue my journey. I knew I had to take a bus to Hatton Cross tube station but being on my own instilled a sense of adventure in me so I tried to make my way to Heathrow tube station (whether it exists or not was a different matter). It took me an hour but lo and behold there was one . One and a half hour later, I reached Woodford. My 18 hour journey came to an end.
On the tube though, I had this thought. Seeing Londoners stroll into and out of the tube train, I wonder if they realise that in another part of the world (an island city that should not be named) they are considered to be respectable members of society. They are given better treatment, they have the better pay and they get better looking woman. I wish to say that this is a generalized statement though but since this is my blog, it is thus without contestation. But here in suprisingly sunny London, they are nothing but mere mortals, going to work in the wee hours of the morning, trying to make a living, just like myself back home. Till my next post, to my friends and family in Singapore, a very big Hello all the way from London. It feels like I never left.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Anger Management
Anger Management
It is quite amusing how very little is needed to trigger the feeling of anger. A wrong word said, an impolite tone, a harmless body movement, a type of smell. I am particularly peeved about impoliteness especially when on my part, I've gone out of my way to be nice. A simple hello, a cultured goodbye are all essential parts of a conversation but not necessarily carried out by everyone. Have we forgotten these social etiquette which goes a long way in building relationships and respect? How do you learn to like or respect a person who talks and treats you like he doesn't give two hoots about you? Should we just grind our teeth and carry on with it or should we forget about them totally? Right now, I'm doing the former. It is annoying as hell but out of circumstances it has to be done.
It is quite amusing how very little is needed to trigger the feeling of anger. A wrong word said, an impolite tone, a harmless body movement, a type of smell. I am particularly peeved about impoliteness especially when on my part, I've gone out of my way to be nice. A simple hello, a cultured goodbye are all essential parts of a conversation but not necessarily carried out by everyone. Have we forgotten these social etiquette which goes a long way in building relationships and respect? How do you learn to like or respect a person who talks and treats you like he doesn't give two hoots about you? Should we just grind our teeth and carry on with it or should we forget about them totally? Right now, I'm doing the former. It is annoying as hell but out of circumstances it has to be done.
Monday, August 21, 2006
All about Nothing
All about No Thing
To the readers of my blog (currently only one that I know of and that's coz he writes comments haha) I do apologise for the previous outburst. I felt it and I couldn't scream it (coz I was in the office) and thus I released it.....on my blog that is. Do not fear, all is well with the TormentT. I AM A HAPPY CAMPER (I think if I say this a lot, I'll feel a whole lot better about everything).
I am leaving for London (again) in a few days time. Have hardly packed, am hardly excited but somehow I'm looking forward to it. Looking forward to being on my own, letting go of my comfort zone and hopefully be vulnerable to some sort of experience. It will be an 18 hour journey. Treacherous, maybe. Fun, couldn't possibly. Unpredictable, hopefully.
I had one of those lonely days today. Quiet, peaceful yet with my mind buzzing. Have you ever had that need to make it stop? Maybe that's why people want to be happy. Coz somehow when you're happy and in the moment, you stop thinking, and that gives you the relief you so desire.
Been thinking about my ex a lot. I was the bastard. I made a promise I couldn't keep and that really sucked (notice the correct grammar hahha). Its a guilt I live with every once in a while. I know how she feels ; wanting someone but not being able to have him. Metaphorically it is like when your whole being feels vulnerable to hurt and pain every time a speck of memory in your head pops up. I feel its unfair. I feel I shouldn't have and I try to analyse and think of reasons why it happened but I can't. Someone said maybe we weren't meant to be. Fate. Fate is what we make.Do I believe that? God has a hand to play in every single moment in our lives. Did God have a hand to play in this one? Or was it just me?
We were together for a long time. Though not all the times were good, not all of it was bad either. Somedays I woke up and I felt truly in love with her, that I could spend the rest of my life with her but there were lots of other days that I felt I was alone. Alone in a relationship. Ironic isn't it? She once said that a woman feels like her life is complete when she has a companion. I feel like I'm still alone. I take the bus home ALONE. I go to work ALONE. I am at work ALONE. I eat lunch ALONE. (I didn't mean that I was a weirdo who eats lunch by himself...even though I do sometimes but that a choice rather than because I'm forced to .......its just the feeling of loneliness even among people) I felt I gave her happiness but she couldn't fill the void in me. Was the abyss too deep? Or was I closed with her? She made me laugh, cry, worry, love....but she just couldn't make me feel less alone. Was this a sickness? Have I been doctored in someway, by the experiences that I've had, growing up as a latch key kid that I will feel like this all the time? Or is it just a defence mechanism that I put up in order not to feel hurt?
Only recently, I put it down. I felt the void close. A respite. But after awhile, as usual, there it was again. Peeking its ugly nose into my life. She wasn't someone I could count on. She left me high and dry a couple of times. And the cycle repeats itself. I gave her happiness....she THINKS she gave happiness to me. But I felt none. I was back on my own again.
To the readers of my blog (currently only one that I know of and that's coz he writes comments haha) I do apologise for the previous outburst. I felt it and I couldn't scream it (coz I was in the office) and thus I released it.....on my blog that is. Do not fear, all is well with the TormentT. I AM A HAPPY CAMPER (I think if I say this a lot, I'll feel a whole lot better about everything).
I am leaving for London (again) in a few days time. Have hardly packed, am hardly excited but somehow I'm looking forward to it. Looking forward to being on my own, letting go of my comfort zone and hopefully be vulnerable to some sort of experience. It will be an 18 hour journey. Treacherous, maybe. Fun, couldn't possibly. Unpredictable, hopefully.
I had one of those lonely days today. Quiet, peaceful yet with my mind buzzing. Have you ever had that need to make it stop? Maybe that's why people want to be happy. Coz somehow when you're happy and in the moment, you stop thinking, and that gives you the relief you so desire.
Been thinking about my ex a lot. I was the bastard. I made a promise I couldn't keep and that really sucked (notice the correct grammar hahha). Its a guilt I live with every once in a while. I know how she feels ; wanting someone but not being able to have him. Metaphorically it is like when your whole being feels vulnerable to hurt and pain every time a speck of memory in your head pops up. I feel its unfair. I feel I shouldn't have and I try to analyse and think of reasons why it happened but I can't. Someone said maybe we weren't meant to be. Fate. Fate is what we make.Do I believe that? God has a hand to play in every single moment in our lives. Did God have a hand to play in this one? Or was it just me?
We were together for a long time. Though not all the times were good, not all of it was bad either. Somedays I woke up and I felt truly in love with her, that I could spend the rest of my life with her but there were lots of other days that I felt I was alone. Alone in a relationship. Ironic isn't it? She once said that a woman feels like her life is complete when she has a companion. I feel like I'm still alone. I take the bus home ALONE. I go to work ALONE. I am at work ALONE. I eat lunch ALONE. (I didn't mean that I was a weirdo who eats lunch by himself...even though I do sometimes but that a choice rather than because I'm forced to .......its just the feeling of loneliness even among people) I felt I gave her happiness but she couldn't fill the void in me. Was the abyss too deep? Or was I closed with her? She made me laugh, cry, worry, love....but she just couldn't make me feel less alone. Was this a sickness? Have I been doctored in someway, by the experiences that I've had, growing up as a latch key kid that I will feel like this all the time? Or is it just a defence mechanism that I put up in order not to feel hurt?
Only recently, I put it down. I felt the void close. A respite. But after awhile, as usual, there it was again. Peeking its ugly nose into my life. She wasn't someone I could count on. She left me high and dry a couple of times. And the cycle repeats itself. I gave her happiness....she THINKS she gave happiness to me. But I felt none. I was back on my own again.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Relationship Ripples
Relationship Ripples
I've been thinking about relationships lately. More specifically, the relationships I've had with the many different people that I meet; friends, family, colleagues or that special someone. Like it or not, we have different guises and different personalities to different people. The filial son, the loving boyfriend, the confident man, the morally upright human being, the sociable guy....It does get confusing. Is it right to live life as a chameleon or is it better to be more upfront about yourself? Is there a best self that should be shown to everyone or should you be more upfront about who you really are?
"The world is a stage and all its people, actors" (Shakespeare) rings true in my head. The "Bard" certainly knows what he's talking about. Somedays, I feel like an actor. At work, ACT confident and pretty soon everyone will think that you are. At parties, ACT flirty and everyone thinks that you're fun to have around (don't quote me on this though, I might be off by a longshot). In sports, ACT like one of the lads and pretty soon you are. Does it mean that I am confident, flirty, sporty? Well I guess to my acquaintances, I would be.
Talking about acquaintances, I've come to realise that I put people that I know in strict categories. "Acquaintances" are those who I will never depend on and will never put my life on the line for whereas "Friends" are its opposites. I do wonder whether that's a healthy thing to do. It dawned upon me one day that it is a very exclusive way of managing people. How do those who walk among us treat everyone they know, even if they've met that person for one night, as a friend? I am no friend to you just coz I spent one fucking night talking to you. Will you grieve with sorrow if I died? I doubt so. Conclusively, I take offense at anyone who consider themself a friend of mine unless agreed upon by me. In the real world of course, I let it slide. But in the deep recesses of my mind, I am disgusted by their mention of me as their friend. So much for "one love" huh? Maybe one day I'll reach Bono's state of enlightenment and consider it.
Being with someone special does not make it any easier in helping me trying to figure myself out I think. She seems to think that relationships are meant to be help people learn about themselves better, to improve themselves. I take that viewpoint with a lot of cynicism. How can a relationship help figure yourself out when you somehow get caught up trying to be the man that she wants you to be? You find yourself hoping that you have achieved the qualities of the MAN that your partner desires and in the process forget about who you really are. (Unless of course the MAN your partner desires is the way you are...kinda like how my future sister-in-law loves my brother, with his weird interests. He is indeed a lucky man and I am very envious that he has found a woman who loves him for him) Personally, I've decided that I will be who I am (but of course to make the life a little easier, I will comprimise)
I've been thinking about relationships lately. More specifically, the relationships I've had with the many different people that I meet; friends, family, colleagues or that special someone. Like it or not, we have different guises and different personalities to different people. The filial son, the loving boyfriend, the confident man, the morally upright human being, the sociable guy....It does get confusing. Is it right to live life as a chameleon or is it better to be more upfront about yourself? Is there a best self that should be shown to everyone or should you be more upfront about who you really are?
"The world is a stage and all its people, actors" (Shakespeare) rings true in my head. The "Bard" certainly knows what he's talking about. Somedays, I feel like an actor. At work, ACT confident and pretty soon everyone will think that you are. At parties, ACT flirty and everyone thinks that you're fun to have around (don't quote me on this though, I might be off by a longshot). In sports, ACT like one of the lads and pretty soon you are. Does it mean that I am confident, flirty, sporty? Well I guess to my acquaintances, I would be.
Talking about acquaintances, I've come to realise that I put people that I know in strict categories. "Acquaintances" are those who I will never depend on and will never put my life on the line for whereas "Friends" are its opposites. I do wonder whether that's a healthy thing to do. It dawned upon me one day that it is a very exclusive way of managing people. How do those who walk among us treat everyone they know, even if they've met that person for one night, as a friend? I am no friend to you just coz I spent one fucking night talking to you. Will you grieve with sorrow if I died? I doubt so. Conclusively, I take offense at anyone who consider themself a friend of mine unless agreed upon by me. In the real world of course, I let it slide. But in the deep recesses of my mind, I am disgusted by their mention of me as their friend. So much for "one love" huh? Maybe one day I'll reach Bono's state of enlightenment and consider it.
Being with someone special does not make it any easier in helping me trying to figure myself out I think. She seems to think that relationships are meant to be help people learn about themselves better, to improve themselves. I take that viewpoint with a lot of cynicism. How can a relationship help figure yourself out when you somehow get caught up trying to be the man that she wants you to be? You find yourself hoping that you have achieved the qualities of the MAN that your partner desires and in the process forget about who you really are. (Unless of course the MAN your partner desires is the way you are...kinda like how my future sister-in-law loves my brother, with his weird interests. He is indeed a lucky man and I am very envious that he has found a woman who loves him for him) Personally, I've decided that I will be who I am (but of course to make the life a little easier, I will comprimise)
Friday, August 18, 2006
Reminisce & Onwards
Reminisce & Onwards
Sitting around a group of people, I found my mind blank. No words to use, no stories to tell, no one I could connect with. You know how they say that you can feel most alone in a crowd, I've experienced that countless number of times. But when alone, I find myself full of thoughts, ideas, speculations on life and ever so often I think of God.
A friend moves onwards while I seem to remain stagnant. I feel it is not yet my time but I do wonder if I've missed the opportunity that was placed in front of me. Does keeping promises really matter? Do people really matter more than an individual's dream? What about those who say that you must chase your dream and keep at it in order for it to be fulfilled? Does that include putting aside everything else? Does the end really justify the means?
Looking at passer-bys and their seemingly carefree existence, I feel as though I do wish to be like them. Ironically, in a sadistic sort of way, I am glad that I am a thinker rather than just a body or form carried along by the waves of life. A friend once proclaimed "I WILL NOT BE MEDIOCRE" and I realised then that THAT IS my goal.
Sitting around a group of people, I found my mind blank. No words to use, no stories to tell, no one I could connect with. You know how they say that you can feel most alone in a crowd, I've experienced that countless number of times. But when alone, I find myself full of thoughts, ideas, speculations on life and ever so often I think of God.
A friend moves onwards while I seem to remain stagnant. I feel it is not yet my time but I do wonder if I've missed the opportunity that was placed in front of me. Does keeping promises really matter? Do people really matter more than an individual's dream? What about those who say that you must chase your dream and keep at it in order for it to be fulfilled? Does that include putting aside everything else? Does the end really justify the means?
Looking at passer-bys and their seemingly carefree existence, I feel as though I do wish to be like them. Ironically, in a sadistic sort of way, I am glad that I am a thinker rather than just a body or form carried along by the waves of life. A friend once proclaimed "I WILL NOT BE MEDIOCRE" and I realised then that THAT IS my goal.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Solitude
Solitude
Sorry boys, for having to give you the runaround. This is where RhEtoRiCS is at now. Weird as it seems, I kinda didn't like the fact that my blog was being read by just about anybody. There are skeletons in my closet that I want to keep either to myself or to my trusted circle. Imagine your boss getting a hold of your blog. He'll think he hired a freaking nutcase!! I'm not saying I am one but hell sometimes I suprise myself.
So... here I am typing again. For a reluctant blogger, you must surely think that I'm more enthusiastic than I ought to be. I think its more to do with the fact that I'm bored today. And since I AM bored, I reckon I won't have anything fun to say today. So boys and girls, today's lesson is about overused quotes by yours truly. Why? Maybe coz sometimes I get sick of myself and since this is my blog I'll put it up here so that I'll remind myself that I need to get new material....Jeez..does everything have to have a reason??.. Its coz I'd LIKED TO alright !!!...so here goes
"Its amazing coz others feel comfortable with me faster than I feel comfortable with them"
"I'm a wall"
"What fun is life if you've never experienced the heartbreaks and the joyful celebrations of love"
"Life goes on...its gonna be alright in the end"
"Yo dude, whats up?"
"Everyone's favourite topic is themselves"
I guess while I'm at it, I'll share with you some stuff that people have said about me. The list is not exhaustive and not necessarily true but its what's been said and I neither deny nor accept any of it.
"You're an elitist bastard you know that"
"The strong, silent type"
"You don't talk a lot do you?"
Well that's enough I guess. Screw them.... What do they know. What do I know. I am who I am.
Sorry boys, for having to give you the runaround. This is where RhEtoRiCS is at now. Weird as it seems, I kinda didn't like the fact that my blog was being read by just about anybody. There are skeletons in my closet that I want to keep either to myself or to my trusted circle. Imagine your boss getting a hold of your blog. He'll think he hired a freaking nutcase!! I'm not saying I am one but hell sometimes I suprise myself.
So... here I am typing again. For a reluctant blogger, you must surely think that I'm more enthusiastic than I ought to be. I think its more to do with the fact that I'm bored today. And since I AM bored, I reckon I won't have anything fun to say today. So boys and girls, today's lesson is about overused quotes by yours truly. Why? Maybe coz sometimes I get sick of myself and since this is my blog I'll put it up here so that I'll remind myself that I need to get new material....Jeez..does everything have to have a reason??.. Its coz I'd LIKED TO alright !!!...so here goes
"Its amazing coz others feel comfortable with me faster than I feel comfortable with them"
"I'm a wall"
"What fun is life if you've never experienced the heartbreaks and the joyful celebrations of love"
"Life goes on...its gonna be alright in the end"
"Yo dude, whats up?"
"Everyone's favourite topic is themselves"
I guess while I'm at it, I'll share with you some stuff that people have said about me. The list is not exhaustive and not necessarily true but its what's been said and I neither deny nor accept any of it.
"You're an elitist bastard you know that"
"The strong, silent type"
"You don't talk a lot do you?"
Well that's enough I guess. Screw them.... What do they know. What do I know. I am who I am.
Phoenix Ashes
Phoneix Ashes
My first ever post on a blog...god I never thought I'd ever be doing this. Don't get me wrong, I'm not discriminating against those who write blogs. If you feel like you wanna tell a story to the whole world, by all means go ahead. I kinda believe in the fact that everyone should have their own opinion and no one, not even THE MAN, has the right to suppress that basic human right. But I guess I just never got into it, blog writing I mean. It was my perception that a blog was similar to an online diary and personally, I'd rather tell my stories through my closest friends rather than to a bunch of strangers. Also the fact that I've read a couple of blogs that sounded more like whiny, idiotic and shallow reads didn't help either. I mean why the FUCK would I want to be like those people who write about their everyday life and their "oh-so-deep thoughts" (sarcasm if you got it...if you didn't f*#$ off, YOU ARE ONE of these people). Granted there might be other blogs out there (better than mine) with intellectually stimulating viewpoints and insights which I have not read, but since this is my fucked up blog and this is my fucked up opinion I'd like to stick to it as such. Sue me.
After all that, why would I do this then you might ask? I'm not sure really. No definite answer to this one. It could be that I'm bored with my own mundane life...want to add a bit of spice into it (as if!!!), it could be that I'm trying something new...to put myself out there to be heard...(kinda scary if you ask me) or maybe coz another emo-fuck, like myself, might want to read the "rantings and ravings" of another tormented soul.. or in his case "tormented prick". You know who you are. In any case, yeah well .. I've decided to jump on the bandwagon. But I ain't joining the fucking band (says me but more on that on other posts). I walk to my own tune. Mostly alone.
So here it starts. Don't go expecting nice bed time stories, or cheerful renditions of my life (for now)...or happy happy thoughts about how wonderful everything is ... most of the time I'm never on that road...and when I am, you won't be hearing from me. I'm not about to tell you who I am, what I'm about.. you figure that out for yourself and someday if you wanna tell me your thoughts on that, DON'T. I don't give a fuck. Only a select few have that priveledge and if you're not on my list then shut the fuck up. How do you know you are on my list ? You figure that one out for yourself too. One clue: Actions speak louder than words..cliched but very true in my books. So if you're one of those ignorant buffoons who can't read people too bad for you. That's me, maybe.
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